I need to stop coming to work sober
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
