1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
