Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
