I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
