The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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