So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
