so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
