So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
