i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
