Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
