she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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