well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
