i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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