Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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