I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
So. Much. Porn.
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