it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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