I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
