If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
