She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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