Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
