My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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