I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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