oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
