In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
