Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
