your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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