He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
