i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
