GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
