I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
