There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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