we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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