So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
