His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
