How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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