We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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