Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
