dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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