You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
