Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
