i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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