Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How naked do you want me to be?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
