Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
