I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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