ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
