I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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