I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
