Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
