between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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