Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
