i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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