Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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