dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
