Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
