Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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