How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
