for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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