remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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